My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
