I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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