So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
