dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
