i love accidental penises.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
