i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
