I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
