Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
