I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The struggles of a small town man whore
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
