do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
