Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
