just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
