im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I would fuck him just for his dog
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
