Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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