well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
