highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
