Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
