i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
