If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
