you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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