just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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