These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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