I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
