can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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