Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
