I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
