I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
