from now on my penis is your penis
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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