I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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