I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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