No stitches, just platelets and will power
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
