my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
