Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
we should paint friendship bongs
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