You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
