Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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