Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
false alarm, still single
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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