She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
