you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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