I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
