Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
