Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
