I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
