sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
