so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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