Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
