you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
