Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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