I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
