This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
