Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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