i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
