Soap is not a condiment
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
