I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
