he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
