ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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