Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
now i know why i became what i already was.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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