Cold hands, warm shart.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
