I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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